I want to be a somebody 

All of my life I wanted to be a nobody, actually. I wanted time to forget me. I wanted the world to be uncaring about my death. And yet here I am. 31 years old. It hurts to even type that. I am 31 years old. And a nobody. And that hurts. All of a sudden, I want to be a somebody. I want to accomplish something. I want the world to remember me after I die and honor and respect and love me while I am alive. I want to be a somebody. But sadly, I feel too old and I know the reality. I will whither away. The world will carry on without me. Just as it takes no notice of me now. A nobody.  

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World mental health day 2017

I have written about my own struggles with mental illness and so for me everyday is like world mental health day. I keep in mind that people need empathy and compassion. My own mental health is quite peachy when compared to many others who suffer from psychosis, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. Not to say that anyone who suffers from moderate anxiety and depression like I do has it easy. At some point, what really is being mentally healthy? Think about it, the neurotransmitters in our brain and our nerve connections are what keep us from getting up in the morning and killing ourselves! If it were not for our in borne ability to maintain a favorable mood, we would all just be trying to commit suicide. That is a scary thought. Our brains are programmed to continue to let us live. There is a push that gives us the will to live, once that push is gone, life is hopeless and meaningless. So find purpose and find hope. They will keep you going.

 

Happy world mental health day everyone!

Done with grad school and I am back

My last post was 1.5 years ago . A lot has changed since then. I graduated with a Ph.D., but only after applying to get an extension on my Ph.D. candidacy so that i would not have to retake my candidacy exam. So my biggest fear almost came true.  I even posted about it in June 2015. And it almost happened. I knew it would get ugly… and it did. But I was so close to graduating they gave me an extension. Otherwise i would have been humiliated. Although I have to say that what i went through was humiliating enough. I wish I had not let it get to the point it did.  But I  got past it and published a paper and graduated. I then got a job as a postdoc, and became a dad (best thing ever!). But I’m still stuck in the same old university I got my PhD from, just at a different lab (for personal reasons). 

Yup, it’s been 10 months since I got my PhD – 1 year since I defended my dissertation. (Wow… it’s been a YEAR?!) 

Anywho let’s get right to it… I am still depressed. I am not on medication anymore …. I have been seeing a different doctor – I can’t see my grad school doctor anymore since I am no longer a student . But I want to get back on medication . I have only been off for 4 months but it is starting to take a toll. 

Why? Well, because of several reasons :

  1. I don’t know what the next step will be in my career. For sure I cannot land a tenure track faculty position – those are insanely difficult to get. So what do I do? I feel like I have no transferable skills for a non academic position, despite what people tell me. Amd then there is the fear of what people might think of me if I do leave academia. I know they will take a jibe at me… to make me feel like shit… 
  2. To top it off, it has been 5 months in my new lab and I have NO data. None. The experiments have either not led to anything exciting or are not working for technical reasons. 
  3. I have become very cynical. I dislike people even more now. Not my family of course. Just… well, everyone else. I feel like I am defending myself against EVERYONE. And I am exhausted and drained. 
  4. Not sure what the heck is the meaning of all of this… so yeah… a bit of an existential crisis.
  5. My therapist keeps postponing our appointment. The last I saw her was 8 months ago. She says she has been having family emergencies but I think she is trying to avoid me. It’s bcoz I was late to my appointment a couple of times . I am sure that is the reason. She is probably just making excuses to not see me.

So yeah. I feel like shit again. So hello again peeps!!

Misunderstood or a victim of ill treatment?

I am not mean to people, at least not deliberately. Then why is it that I get ridiculed, yelled at, or just downright made to feel like crap? I just want some respect and dignity. Seems that those two things are too much to ask. Banks will lend you money, rental companies will give you a car, heck stingers will even give you their spouse! But dignity and respect is something that everyone deserves, especially if they are nothing but nice to others. So perhaps I have unknowingly been a jerks myself. Perhaps I have been misunderstood. 

Ego trip

I try not to  take criticism personally, but when someone is clearly making an attack on your character, they are not trying to help you. They are on an ego trip. 

While we are alive 

​While we are alive they judge us, disparage us, harass us, deride us, insult us, mock us, and ignore us. Then we kill ourselves because it is better to be dead than to live in a world that others have made for us. And after we kill ourselves, they call us selfish and cowardly, not thinking for one second that had they not spoken harsh words, we would have been selfless and brave… and alive.

A mask I wear

A mask I wear, a mask I wear, 

Pretending to not be me, 

A mask I wear, a mask I wear, 

So that the world cannot see

Behind the veil

Is an empty shell

A soul waiting to become free

Avoid unsupportive people and respect yourself

Why am I bitter? Hmmm… let’s see. I grew up in a family that had high expectations of me academically, but did nothing to support me. In fact, my dad’s job made things worse because I changed 8 different schools by the time I was 16. I was always behind in the class because I would start school half way through the year. And what did I get for that? “I never imagined I would ever be the parent of a failure”. Or “why don’t you work hard and top the class like you did when you were in 3rd grade?”.

You would think as a grown up, having graduated through college with good grades and getting accepted into a Ph.D. program at one of the best schools in the world would make your parents support you. Nope. I was talking to them today about how I made an important discovery that supports previous findings from my research. And what did I get? “What difference does supporting your findings make if you haven’t even submitted your paper for publication?”

I think I have had it with unsupportive jerks in my life. If you are in the same boat, think of all of your accomplishments. Think of how far you have come on your own and be proud. As for me, I have achieved a great deal on my own. I have worked hard and come up with brilliant ideas that have taken me this far. Sure there is more to learn…. but I still deserve dignity and respect for who I have made myself.

And so do you.

Unable

My sadness makes me drowsy,
My fears disrupt my sleep,
I walk around, a half-awake fool,
Unable to laugh, unable to weep.

I feel alone amidst the raging crowds,
Feel restless even though I am still,
I sit and stare, a clueless dolt,
As time moves ahead by its will.

I will not try to prove myself,
Or make a promise I cannot keep,
I shut myself off from the world,
Unable to laugh, and unable to weep.

Sweet irony

My sadness makes me drowsy,
My fears disrupt my sleep,
I walk around, a half-awake fool,
Unable to laugh and unable to weep.

I feel alone amidst the raging crowds,
Feel restless even though I am still,
I sit and stare, a clueless dolt,
As time moves ahead by its will.

I will not try to prove myself,
Or make a promise I cannot keep,
I shut myself off from the world,
Unable to laugh and unable to weep.