I appreciate you for taking time to read my post. I don’t know why I am writing about myself and my inner struggles. Perhaps it is because I know you at some level. By knowing you I don’t mean that I know your name and identity, but that I can relate to you as a conscious person who experiences the same reality as I do. I feel like you can help me by doing me the small favor of just listening. And, if you are so kind, maybe you can do me the small favor of empathizing also. That is really what I want.
I am a male Ph.D. student. Well, I am first and foremost a fellow human with the same basic requirements and perhaps even ambitions as you. Secondarily, I am a male Ph.D. student. I suffer from having a higher level of anxiety than an average person does. I have very recently starting see a counselor for it. I have only been to one session. It helped de-stress me temporarily. But it is clearly not enough.
I am constantly worried. Thoughts about the future, the present and sometimes even the past haunt me. Every time I am under a lot of stress, I curl up like a ball. My stomach feels like it is burning and it starts to contract. My ears get red, my body feels like it is on fire, I feel choked. I start to sweat. These are the symptoms I have to live with.
Today, my anxiety was exacerbated by an incident that has just made me depressed. I haven’t been this depressed in a while – three years and four months to be precise.
I have had many firsts today.
For the first time in my life, I am starting to wonder whether I made the right choices. I don’t want to admit that I made the wrong choice because my friends and family warned me. They would be happy to know I was wrong and they were right. I don’t want to give them that satisfaction. So I continue to tell myself that I made the right choices.
Also for the first time in my life, I feel trapped. I want to hide, but the world is staring straight at me. It wants me to act and act quickly. I can’t do that. I am paralyzed with fear, resentment, anger and despondency.
Finally, for the first time in my life I hate myself. I have never hated myself. I have felt victimized, but have never hated myself. I want myself to be re-born, kind of. I want to die figuratively and be re-born. I want a new life, new friends, new job… but more importantly I want peace of mind. Apparently, that is too much to ask.
Am I the only one out there who feels this way?