I am not ungrateful… I am in pain

No one seems to care. I got a bad result in an experiment. Means more work. I don’t wanna do more work. My wife does not understand. People at work are cold to me, but nice to each other. I’m cold to all, but not because I’m a jerk. It’s because I am in pain. It is because I feel incompetent and stupid and unaccomplished.

An attitude of gratitude

Talking to a colleague today made me realize how much I have to be thankful for. I don’t know that Being that I should be thankful to, but maybe someday I will know. Until then thank You! Whoever You are! Please give me strength so that I may never be ungrateful again.

Depression slows you down

I notice that whenever I am down, I don’t work fast. Actually, whenever I am REALLY down, I don’t work at all.

I am putting figures together for a publication and I am just taking a heck of a long time. Whenever I see any loose ends that need to be tied, I just start panicking. Then, when I have pulled myself together, I move slowly. When I walk down the stairs, I do so as a baby would. One foot moves forward, and the other foot does not move ahead of the first one. Instead, it moves to where the first foot landed. I guess that’s why they call it baby steps.

Anybody else feel that way?

I am a misfit everywhere I go

I attended a seminar yesterday. There were many people in attendance – professors, Ph.D. students, post-docs. The speaker was a tall, soft-spoken guy with a monotonous voice. As he was presenting the findings from the research in his lab, I realized that I really didn’t care to listen. And then I felt guilty for not caring. At the end of his talk, we all got up to leave and I looked around the room. That’s when it hit me. All of the people here were smarter, more motivated and happier than myself. They all fit nicely in the environment. I, on the other hand, am a misfit. In fact, I have never fit in. And yet, despite being an underachieving loser who did not fit in, I just blended with the crowd. I was just another face. And when (if) I graduate, I will still be another face. Only difference is between me and the others is that I will still be a misfit.

Random thoughts Jan 12th 2015

As usual had a panic attack today. It’s a Monday so no surprise. It only lasted a few seconds in the morning though. Thinking about all the experiments I had to do and all the loose ends I needed to tie up made me have a fit of rage in the evening but I calmed myself. I also felt anxious and scared thinking about the work that needs to be done.

I don’t know by when I need to show it to the boss. I just don’t want him to talk to me until I get this done and sort out the loose ends. Anyone else ever feel that way?

I want to read something up lifting that will tell me it will be okay… Will it be okay?

what am I here to offer?

I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone. I am a screwup. I hate that I can’t do anything right. I hate that my religion gets ridiculed all the time. I feel like the things that define my identity are worthless. Therefore I am worthless. What can I offer? Will I ever be respected? All I can offer to the world is my love, because I care. It hurts me to see people toiling away and treating each other like crap just so they can have their selfish desires fulfilled. Why?

Random thoughts

This morning i was scared. They are going to make me retake the candidacy exam in one and a half years if I don’t publish. I can’t do anything right. I won’t be able to publish before then. I don’t think I can. I’m a sorry ass loser. I want to hide in a corner. There is no hope.