All of my life I wanted to be a nobody, actually. I wanted time to forget me. I wanted the world to be uncaring about my death. And yet here I am. 31 years old. It hurts to even type that. I am 31 years old. And a nobody. And that hurts. All of a sudden, I want to be a somebody. I want to accomplish something. I want the world to remember me after I die and honor and respect and love me while I am alive. I want to be a somebody. But sadly, I feel too old and I know the reality. I will whither away. The world will carry on without me. Just as it takes no notice of me now. A nobody.
Can’t do anything. Forcing myself to write this. Hoping I can get the strength. There is too much that needs to be done. Don’t know where to start. The judgment never stops. I feel the burn in the pit of my belly. It doesn’t make you function.
Why can’t I leave it all? No more career, no more family, no more responsibilities. The pain is too much.
Am I the only one who feels like I have more frenemies than friends? You know -the people who are friends for name sake but are always looking to take a dig at you whenever they can, and are just waiting to see you fail?
Your graduate advisor can make or break your career. One has to be lucky with finding a good advisor. I guess I got stuck with the short end of the stick. My advisor only focuses on the projects he likes. He spends months on other peoples projects and minutes on mine. And that too after I initiate conversation. This apathy has cost me. Whenever I want him to look at my data he says he is feeling ‘forced’. How do you respond to that? I am in my 7th year and I am still writing my paper. And the girls he spends an inordinate amount of time with used to bad mouth him until she herself has been getting attention. Now all of a sudden he is the poor old good guy and I am the impatient bad guy. What a bitch. There is no one to complain to because your graduate advisor rules your career. I now know that I’m not the problem. The problem is that I am surrounded by assholes.
I have often been plagued by the thoughts of meaning and purpose. It all seems so pointless. How does one find meaning? Perhaps it is meaningless. We cannot make our own meaning if we don’t know what we want. What recourse is there for the lost soul who is not satisfied with the ideas of religions and is equally averse to the gloomy conclusions of the nonbelievers?
As usual had a panic attack today. It’s a Monday so no surprise. It only lasted a few seconds in the morning though. Thinking about all the experiments I had to do and all the loose ends I needed to tie up made me have a fit of rage in the evening but I calmed myself. I also felt anxious and scared thinking about the work that needs to be done.
I don’t know by when I need to show it to the boss. I just don’t want him to talk to me until I get this done and sort out the loose ends. Anyone else ever feel that way?
I want to read something up lifting that will tell me it will be okay… Will it be okay?
I feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone. I am a screwup. I hate that I can’t do anything right. I hate that my religion gets ridiculed all the time. I feel like the things that define my identity are worthless. Therefore I am worthless. What can I offer? Will I ever be respected? All I can offer to the world is my love, because I care. It hurts me to see people toiling away and treating each other like crap just so they can have their selfish desires fulfilled. Why?