Why does it start all of a sudden? The depression, the panic. I just want to curl up and be surrounded by nothingness. I don’t want to be around any one. I want to be at a beach. Just me, the white sands and the limitless ocean.

My anhedonia and spiritual beliefs have cost me – part 1

I was twelve years old when the other kids would call me to play with them. I didn’t want to go. I never quite understood why, but I wanted to just be alone. Now that I am older, I speculate that this must have been an early symptom of anhedonia.

Much of my spiritual beliefs are driven by anhedonia. I detest drinking alcohol, consuming meat, going to nightclubs, attending concerts  and even watching sports sometimes. My own lack of interest combined with a sense of higher purpose makes me wonder about how frivolous these forms of entertainment are. Obviously there has been some influence from scripture, but only because the seed was already there. Scripture watered that seed and gave it fertile ground to grow. But I actively searched for that soil to grow the tree of anhedonia. I wanted reinforcement from somewhere.

Now, that tree has become huge! I find little excitement and pleasure from anything. The occasional porn and day dreaming are pretty much all the pleasure I can feel. This has taken a toll on my social life. People think I am awkward and self-righteous, preachy and chauvinistic. I don’t blame them and yet I can’t help it.

I have had arguments on Facebook and I have had arguments online in political, religious and anti-religious forums. I have had arguments in person. This has cost me friends. It has made me somewhat of a loner.

My depression from grad school is only fueled by this lack of a solid support system. All I have are my wife, my therapist, and my sense of utter despondency.

I am tired. Lord am I tired.

I feel burnt out. It is still the afternoon and my day hasn’t been that long. But I am done for the day. I just want to sleep. I don’t understand why sleep disorders are associated with depression. For me eight hours a day isn’t enough sleep. God give me strength, God give me will.

Surrounded by a-holes

Your graduate advisor can make or break your career. One has to be lucky with finding a good advisor. I guess I got stuck with the short end of the stick. My advisor only focuses on the projects he likes. He spends months on other peoples projects and minutes on mine. And that too after I initiate conversation. This apathy has cost me. Whenever I want him to look at my data he says he is feeling ‘forced’. How do you respond to that?  I am in my 7th year and I am still writing my paper. And the girls he spends an inordinate amount of time with used to bad mouth him until she herself has been getting attention. Now all of a sudden he is the poor old good guy and I am the impatient bad guy. What a bitch. There is no one to complain to because your graduate advisor rules your career. I now know that I’m not the problem. The problem is that I am surrounded by assholes.

Can’t take a joke

Don’t joke about me. I get angry, depressed and upset. Fuck off. Tou don’t have to deal with hating yourself and your life. Just want to kick the people who hurt me right in the nads. You might think I am going to take it easy, well I won’t. I fucking hate everyone.

No one is 100% psychologically sound

Everyone around me is smarter and more accomplished. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I am given a hard time about it. Or i observe the people around me and i reflect on what a loser I am. And then I get depressed. That’s when the stupidity starts.
“Snap out of it!”
“Why is he so sad all the time?”
Yadda yadda yadda.
My therapist told me no one is 100% psychologically sound. Fuck off and leave me alone assholes.

The fascinating connection between low self-esteem and narcissism

A few instances of late have made me ponder what the connection is between lack of self-esteem and being egotistical. Let me phrase it differently – I am starting to think that those who are egotistical might actually be low on self-esteem regarding some aspect of their personality.

In my case, I always feel like I am lacking intellectually. Recently, I was corrected by my boss for lack of clarity in thought and the way I think. Clearly this made me feel stupid. Secondly, a colleague at work  solved a technical issue that I was unable to solve. This experience also made me feel stupid. The question is why?

I think it is because I don’t like being corrected. “How dare you tell me that I am wrong?” – that is my ego and pride talking. Yet, this is intricately related to my lack of self-esteem, where my mind says “I am such a stupid, good-for-nothing”. How is it that these two seemingly contradictory thought patterns go hand-in-hand? Is it because I am a narcissist at some level? Or is it because I feel the societal pressure to be smart and hence egoism becomes my defense mechanism to trick me into believing that it is not me that is lacking, but rather that the other person is wrong.

What do you think?