How debilitating the anxiety

Can’t do anything. Forcing myself to write this. Hoping I can get the strength. There is too much that needs to be done. Don’t know where to start. The judgment never stops. I feel the burn in the pit of my belly. It doesn’t make you function.

Why can’t I leave it all? No more career, no more family, no more responsibilities. The pain is too much.

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Is this all my own fault?

I got ‘feedback’ from my boss a few days ago about the first draft of my research paper. It was not very nice. He has this way of making you feel like crap. He laughs at you, asks rhetorical questions and uses a condescending tone (for ex, ‘why the hell did you write that?’ or ‘you really think so? REALLY?!’). The idea of constructive criticism doesn’t exist with him. Everything is about how “YOU” did or did not do such and such. Perhaps I am overreacting. But the truth is that this situation is toxic. I have been in this lab for 6 years and not once have I really felt appreciated. I have heard the odd ‘good’ (perhaps three times) in the last 6 years. Otherwise, I have been at the receiving end of unending criticism.

The bosses’ wife has been nagging away at me for over a year to write the first draft of my paper. This woman has hinted that it was my own fault for being in grad school for this long. Maybe it is. Maybe it is because I was too naive to figure out how to do science. Guess whose job it is to teach students to move things along? The mentor’s. Heck, that’s what a mentor is supposed to do. It wasn’t until just 6 months ago that all of my data was discussed in front of the lab as a paper. Same goes for all of the other students who joined the lab at the same time as I did. Usually mentors push students to publish and they train them how. Instead, we were supposed to figure it out on our own.

I had not submitted the first draft of my paper to my boss for fear that it would be considered premature.  But I worked hard at this. And at the end my boss says “I re-wrote this whole passage here. I think you sent this to me prematurely and I don’t want to re-write the rest of it. So look at how I have written and write the rest of it (about 10 out of the 27 pages that I sent him) the way that I have.”

Maybe this is my own fault. Maybe I was supposed to be a stellar scientist when I joined the lab. Who wants a graduate student to be, I don’t know, a STUDENT?! The academe is looking for rockstar scientists to work in their labs for peanuts only to throw them out into a jobless world.

Daydreaming

Why does it start all of a sudden? The depression, the panic. I just want to curl up and be surrounded by nothingness. I don’t want to be around any one. I want to be at a beach. Just me, the white sands and the limitless ocean.

My anhedonia and spiritual beliefs have cost me – part 1

I was twelve years old when the other kids would call me to play with them. I didn’t want to go. I never quite understood why, but I wanted to just be alone. Now that I am older, I speculate that this must have been an early symptom of anhedonia.

Much of my spiritual beliefs are driven by anhedonia. I detest drinking alcohol, consuming meat, going to nightclubs, attending concerts  and even watching sports sometimes. My own lack of interest combined with a sense of higher purpose makes me wonder about how frivolous these forms of entertainment are. Obviously there has been some influence from scripture, but only because the seed was already there. Scripture watered that seed and gave it fertile ground to grow. But I actively searched for that soil to grow the tree of anhedonia. I wanted reinforcement from somewhere.

Now, that tree has become huge! I find little excitement and pleasure from anything. The occasional porn and day dreaming are pretty much all the pleasure I can feel. This has taken a toll on my social life. People think I am awkward and self-righteous, preachy and chauvinistic. I don’t blame them and yet I can’t help it.

I have had arguments on Facebook and I have had arguments online in political, religious and anti-religious forums. I have had arguments in person. This has cost me friends. It has made me somewhat of a loner.

My depression from grad school is only fueled by this lack of a solid support system. All I have are my wife, my therapist, and my sense of utter despondency.

I am tired. Lord am I tired.

I feel burnt out. It is still the afternoon and my day hasn’t been that long. But I am done for the day. I just want to sleep. I don’t understand why sleep disorders are associated with depression. For me eight hours a day isn’t enough sleep. God give me strength, God give me will.

Surrounded by a-holes

Your graduate advisor can make or break your career. One has to be lucky with finding a good advisor. I guess I got stuck with the short end of the stick. My advisor only focuses on the projects he likes. He spends months on other peoples projects and minutes on mine. And that too after I initiate conversation. This apathy has cost me. Whenever I want him to look at my data he says he is feeling ‘forced’. How do you respond to that?  I am in my 7th year and I am still writing my paper. And the girls he spends an inordinate amount of time with used to bad mouth him until she herself has been getting attention. Now all of a sudden he is the poor old good guy and I am the impatient bad guy. What a bitch. There is no one to complain to because your graduate advisor rules your career. I now know that I’m not the problem. The problem is that I am surrounded by assholes.

Can’t take a joke

Don’t joke about me. I get angry, depressed and upset. Fuck off. Tou don’t have to deal with hating yourself and your life. Just want to kick the people who hurt me right in the nads. You might think I am going to take it easy, well I won’t. I fucking hate everyone.

No one is 100% psychologically sound

Everyone around me is smarter and more accomplished. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I am given a hard time about it. Or i observe the people around me and i reflect on what a loser I am. And then I get depressed. That’s when the stupidity starts.
“Snap out of it!”
“Why is he so sad all the time?”
Yadda yadda yadda.
My therapist told me no one is 100% psychologically sound. Fuck off and leave me alone assholes.