Nothing to wake up for. I always keep searching for something positive but I can’t find it.
Why does it start all of a sudden? The depression, the panic. I just want to curl up and be surrounded by nothingness. I don’t want to be around any one. I want to be at a beach. Just me, the white sands and the limitless ocean.
I was twelve years old when the other kids would call me to play with them. I didn’t want to go. I never quite understood why, but I wanted to just be alone. Now that I am older, I speculate that this must have been an early symptom of anhedonia.
Much of my spiritual beliefs are driven by anhedonia. I detest drinking alcohol, consuming meat, going to nightclubs, attending concerts and even watching sports sometimes. My own lack of interest combined with a sense of higher purpose makes me wonder about how frivolous these forms of entertainment are. Obviously there has been some influence from scripture, but only because the seed was already there. Scripture watered that seed and gave it fertile ground to grow. But I actively searched for that soil to grow the tree of anhedonia. I wanted reinforcement from somewhere.
Now, that tree has become huge! I find little excitement and pleasure from anything. The occasional porn and day dreaming are pretty much all the pleasure I can feel. This has taken a toll on my social life. People think I am awkward and self-righteous, preachy and chauvinistic. I don’t blame them and yet I can’t help it.
I have had arguments on Facebook and I have had arguments online in political, religious and anti-religious forums. I have had arguments in person. This has cost me friends. It has made me somewhat of a loner.
My depression from grad school is only fueled by this lack of a solid support system. All I have are my wife, my therapist, and my sense of utter despondency.